The Unpredictability of Recovery

Thankfully, and according to my surgeon, I’m doing all the right things and hitting the expected recovery milestones. Still, I often find myself wondering whether I’ll ever truly return to the person I used to be.

Each achievement, whether it’s walking again or managing a decent night’s sleep, seems to bring a new challenge alongside it. I understand this is common in recovery from brain surgery, but my tendency to focus on outcomes makes it hard not to feel disappointed when progress doesn’t feel linear.

I feel more in control when I’m in my own space. But when it comes to making plans or commitments with others, especially in social settings, I still find it difficult. The evenings are particularly tough. A new type of tiredness sets in, different from anything I’ve felt before. It’s not just fatigue. It’s a dizzy, woozy feeling, like jet lag, and it often arrives without warning.

I find it unsettling. Part of that is because it’s unfamiliar, but there’s also a lingering fear that I could have another stroke, even though the clinical picture tells me otherwise.

I carry some guilt too. I can’t always be present for my friends, my children or my wife in the way I want to be. They’re incredibly understanding, but that doesn’t stop the feeling.

This is hard. I know it’s not unusual. But it’s new to me.

I’ll get there. I’m just learning that recovery doesn’t follow my schedule.